SpiralFire Studio

I’ve been done with the tarot for just shy of a week, and I have the post-tarot blues.  I guess its only natural, I was working on the deck for 5 years.  It feels so weird being done, you know?  Spending so much time on one thing leaves this big empty hole inside when you don’t have that activity to fill it.

On Wednesday last week, Michelle and I went over to Christine Filipak and Joseph Vargo’s house and they helped us format the deck into the proper file layout for the printer.  It was amazing to see the deck all put together in the file, but my stomach was such a mess from all the stress.  I swear, I was near to tears when we finished.  It was just all the emotions of the last two years, all rolled up into one big package.  It was release, it was catharsis, and it came with tears.  I called the printer on Thursday and signed the contract and payed the down payment.  That night, I came home and just wandered around the house completely lost.  By Friday afternoon I felt better, and the last couple days I have felt actually happy.  Relieved.  It has honestly been a long time since I have felt… relaxed… I guess that’s what this feeling is anyway.  I feel so much relief.  I don’t have this whole big pressing project weighing me down.  I can do whatever I want, I have free time again.  I wish I knew what to do with it.  Free time.  You long for it when you don’t have it, and when you finally get it you don’t know what to do with yourself.  Like me, I had all these ideas of what I was going to do when I finished the deck.  Well, for the past five days after finishing, I have done nothing.  I wander around, I watch tv, I’ve read some.  For fun I even reorganized my file drawer in my art room.  Sick, isn’t it?  I mean, who reorganizes their file drawer for fun on a WEEKEND??!!  Sheesh.  I’m so lame, filing on a weekend.

I still don’t know what to do with myself.  I need a new project to fill the void.  I don’t like voids.  I really do feel lost and empty right now.  Relaxed, happy, but empty.

At the hospital I work at, I have to walk past the morgue storage to get to the loading docks and the Fed Ex drop box.  I don’t usually have a problem going down there, I’m not bothered by it or upset in anyway.  But today I was going to drop off some packages and there was a gentleman from hospital transport waiting by the morgue cold storage with a recently dead body on a gurney.  As I started to walk past the body, the whole left side of my body was wracked with a fiery pain as though I had just electrocuted myself (which I have done once on accident with an outlet).  It felt like tiny burning stabs all over.  My entire body hurt and it was hard to breathe.  I hurried down the rest of the hall to drop the packages off, but the body was still there on my way back.  I tried to make a wide arch and shield as much as I could.  By the time I got back to the elevators, I was shaking, near to tears and in some pain.  It took about an hour to shake the feelings and the burning feeling that was still residual in my left arm.  I don’t know what happened or what that was.  As afraid as I was and for as much pain as I felt, I do wish I could have stood there and sensed out the situation to figure out what was happening.  The transport guy was standing about 5 feet from the body.  I wonder if he knew why.